Tuesday, Nov. 03, 2009 - 9:31 p.m.

the conversation went like this.

S: guess you have been emotionally hurt for a few times..
me: ya kinda. its a wonder why im still alive.
S: coz you chose to be alive.
me: nope. its coz im scared to die. my parents, auntie pinned their hopes on me.

with that, i cried so badly. i recalled the reason why i am alive. i gave myself a reason not to be in this state that im in.

and i miss XL. imagine him scolding me and said he will give up on me if i dont wake up my idea sooner. HAHA. ya i kinda miss him.

im having this feeling of insecurity. its been two days. the need to hug or hold on to sth in order to make me feel better. it doesnt sound v good.

it felt like im going to lose sth which i hold dear to my heart. it felt like someone is going to take something from me. it felt like i was given a candy, but someone took it from me the next minute. it felt like my heart is going to die anytime soon. okie im not exaggerating.

it just felt like that. took so many deep breaths, hopefully to fill up the emptiness and insecurity. sighed million times to get rid of it. but the feeling just wont go away.

went for a jog despite the threatening lumps of grey clouds. a long jog. 12 rounds of endurance. so many times i feel so lethargic that i wanted to stop. going at such a slow speed. endured coz i dont wanna stop till i reached the end. so many times i swallowed the feeling to just cry in the middle of the track. i made it through. (:

i accidentally deleted all the msges in my inbox. and i mean, ALL. its a hint.

although it was expected, it just wasnt a good feeling not to see a yellow envelope on the screen when i wake up every morning. i should learn not to expect.

i tripped and fell over this feeling of insecurity. i cried so badly but noone was around. all i could do was to pick myself up and continue to run. to feel the pain. to endure the pain. maybe i will get used to it one day.

^s0rr|

sunset - sunrise